Thursday, October 8, 2015

Thursday, September 10, 2015

Beach Weekend

Back from my little weekend get away to Panama City Beach, Fl!
Here's a couple little collages I put together with pictures from my little trip!

Saturday, June 11, 2015
1.Typical "tunnel" picture, going through the tunnel in Alabama. We left my house around 6:40 am and made it to the tunnel in good timing!
2. Made it to Florida! - We had to stop at the Florida Welcome center for the shot of Florida Orange juice. (#typicaltouriststop)
3. Panama City Beach, FINALLY!
4. The view from my bedroom window in our condo. I could never get sick of waking up to that.
5. After we unloaded everything into the condo, we headed down to the beach to soak up the afternoon sun. We couldn't wait to get our toes in the sand.
6. The worst drink that I had all weekend - (Small victory - I made it a full vacation without having a single drop of alcohol! Yay for reaching milestones!). 
7. After a yummy home cooked dinner, (pastalaya), we sat on the balcony and enjoyed good company and the most beautiful view.
8. The condo building next to ours on the beach caught on fire, fire fighters worked for hours to put it out, and they even tore the roof apart. Everyone made it out safely!
9. We stayed out and watched the sunset before heading back in the condo to play board games until bed!

Sunday, June 12, 2015
1. We spent the entire day on the beach, getting kissed by the sun, playing in the waves and eating peaches!
2. Back up to the condo to cool off
3. And have a snack
4. I had my first experience at "Dick's Last Resort" - Can't say I'm a fan
5. They had a blast, though! And I have to admit, her hat is pretty damn funny.
6. After the sun went down, we headed down to the beach. This is the view of our condo building from our beach chairs.
7. People were shooting off fireworks over the water.
8. View of our pool from our balcony. I'm obsessed with this view.
9. We caught a crab! He wasn't too happy with us- We let him go.

Monday, June 13, 2015
1. Woke up before the birds, had breakfast and headed down to the beach for the last time.
2. Saying goodbye to this place is always so hard.
3. I didn't want to leave, but my skin was. #Burnt
4. Around noonish, we were Louisiana Bound!
5. We made a much needed starbucks stop around one and I got one of these new frap cookies #neveragain
6. Venti non fat white mocha with an extra esspresso shot - MUCH MUCH NEEDED
7. I took some beach hair to go
8. Finally made it home around 6 and I finally got to take a bath in my own tub.
9. BURNT to a crisp and exhausted

I had a very very relaxing weekend.
I took my prozac every morning, seroquel every night, no xanax and I wasn't stressed out at all.
I was actually extremely relaxed, which is something that I haven't been in a while.
It was very nice to get away and escape reality, but I'm so glad to be back.
Tomorrow I have an appointment with my therapist and I can't wait to tell her about how I made it all weekend without any alcohol! Woo! Little victories!

DIY Sleep Journal

Since my sleep cycle has been fucked up for weeks now, I decided to make my own little sleep journal to keep track of my sleep cycles. 

What you'll need:

- Notebook
- Pens (I used different color pens, but that's up to you)

Each page is separated into two parts. There is an AM section at the top of each page and a PM section at the bottom half. 

The AM section (that I fill out in the morning) looks like this:

Time I went to sleep-
Time I woke up-
Number of hours of sleep-
Did you wake up in the middle of the night? Y/N
If yes, how many times
How awake were you when you woke up? 
1) Wide awake
2) Tired
3) Sleepy
Did you take your -
Xanax __
Prozac __
B/c __

Now, the did you take you part, I added because I am horrible at remembering when/if I took my meds, sometimes I don't take them at all and sometimes I accidentally take them multiple times, so this way I can keep track of that here. You can take that part out, add your own meds or make up your own little AM questions, but this is just what I use

Now, the PM part (part I fill out during the day) looks like this:

Number of caffeinated drinks-
what times-
Number of alcoholic drinks-
Naps (length/time)-
Exercise today?-
- How sleepy did you feel today?
1) Sleepy
2) Somewhat Sleepy
3) Fairly alert
4) Wide awake
Did you take your:
Xanax __
Seroquel __

Again, these are just my night meds, you can leave this part out or just replace it with your meds. But this is my little outline, please feel free to do yours however you would like.


Color Me Calm

Hey, guys! 
I came back from a long weekend at Taylor's this morning.
The thought of coming back home really worried me, because for almost a week, I had a lot of social interaction and I was worried that coming home would turn me back into a depressed hermit that never leaves her bed.

When I got home today, though, my mom surprised me with a "Color Me Calm" book!
It's basically just a relaxing coloring book for adults.
It's got mandalas, nature photos, water scenery, etc. Lots of lines to color.

The book is available at Barnes and Noble for about $17 or so.
It has 100 beautiful designs and it's so great. I am obsessed.

All weekend I was coloring photos in Taylor's book and I am finally glad to have my own now! (Thanks, Momma! I love you!)

Anyway, I guess I'll fill everyone in on whats been up.
Like I said, I was at Taylor's for almost an entire week.
We got to lay by the pool, get some sun, relax and hangout. We baked cookies almost every single night. 
Friday night I went with Taylor's mom and sister to see "Trainwreck" at the Movie Tavern.
The seats were like recliners, the food was awesome, the server was great. The movie, Hilarious!! But, I didn't expect anything less.

Let's see, what else is going on..
Oh, I skipped my therapy appointment today.
I just really really didn't feel like rushing home to go sit and talk about my feelings today.
I just wanted to be home and rest and catch up on my shows.
So, I suppose I need to re schedule that for this week and I also have an additional appointment with a psychiatrist this Thursday. 
Don't want to.

Oh yeah! 
I got bored tonight (and my hand was too tired from coloring) so I created a new logo for my blog. You like? I love it! 
Tomorrow I don't have any plans, so I'm going to spice up the rest of this puppy!
Time to pay a little attention to this place.

Seroquel is about to knock me to my knees, I better get to bed.


Dear Girls That Bullied Me In School

I'm not even going to mention your names in here, you know exactly who you are.
I forgive you. I forgive you because you made me the strong person that I am today. I forgive you because I know you aren't and never will be strong enough to admit your actions towards me and definitely not strong enough to apologize. Because of you, I had a reason to give up, to fail, to let myself go, but I didn't. You showed me what it was like to feel like I had hit rock bottom (at such a young age), you showed me what being absolutely tormented and miserable was like and how to hate myself, but, because of that, I taught myself how to fight, to keep going, to hold my head high. Sure, I moved schools, but I didn't end my life. You didn't win. You didn't get the best of me. You caused me a shit ton of problems, anorexia, bulimia, anxiety, panic disorder, depression, suicidal thoughts, but nothing that I can't overcome.  I will continue to fight every single day. I will continue to work hard in therapy and in my psychiatrist appointments. You will NEVER get the opportunity to see me fall.

I actually want to thank you,
Thank you for giving me the strength I need to be a good person, the courage to recover from the abuse that I endured from each of you, the big heart that I have held on to for all of these years, the knowledge to know that it is never okay to intentionally hurt someone for my own pleasure. Thank you for showing me that I am strong enough to heal my own wounds, with time and to be grateful for who I am and what I have. Through the body shaming that you've done towards me and made me think it was okay to do to myself, I have learned that my body is ALWAYS beach ready. I am now, with therapy, measuring up to my own standards.

Fuck yeah, my thighs touch. My belly sticks out a little.
You know why? Because I am fortunate enough to not live in poverty.
I am blessed with unlimited amounts of food and water to fuel my body.

I no longer hope for your approval, value your opinions or even get excited when you "like" something of mine on social media.

I am NOT ashamed of myself anymore.

You no longer will haunt my dreams with the words that spewed from your vulgar mouths.

Like I said, you didn't win.
I'm continuing to fight and to be strong.
I found the strength to forgive you for something that you will never be strong enough to admit or apologize for.

I still have my days,
like I said,
I'm in therapy and working on me.
But, during all of this, I refuse to allow any of you to be any of the voices lurking in the back of my head filling my head with hateful thoughts about myself. 

People always speak out about suicide or bullying once someone they know has been victimized or after it's already too late and a life was lost due to the cruelty. I decided to share my story and speak up NOW. I wanted the girls that bullied me throughout junior high and high school to know that it is NOT to late for me. They didn't win. They didn't get the best of me. I'm still here, still living this beautiful life and worshiping the greatest God of all. 

By me writing and publishing this on my personal blog, and sharing it with everyone, is my own personal way of releasing this hatred in my heart for each of you who were ugly to me. You will no longer make me hate myself. I no longer have any hate in my heart for you. You didn't take anything away from me like you thought that you did. With faith and hard work I am back and better than ever.

RIP Holly Garon
(Feb 2001)
She was one of the greatest babysitters that I had growing up.
She committed suicide due to bullying. 
I have and never will forget her. 
She is the reason that I have continued my fight for so long.

Ending Toxic Friendships

Ending a relationship is never easy, especially if you think that person is/was your "best friend". In my case, I thought that she was my only friend, until I opened my eyes.

Let me just put this out there - just because I ended our friendship does not mean that I hate her. I don't hate her, but I don't particularly care for who she has become. I still do sometimes miss our old memories and inside jokes together and of course, things happen or I see something that reminds me of her and I get the urge to text her about it, but I don't.

There is no instruction manual on friendships, and if there is then I never got my copy. Here are some of the many reasons that I decided to end my toxic friendship. If you are experiencing some of the same issues, maybe you should also consider a change in friends.

1. We were roommates before, and then she moved an hour away. She insisted that I move with her, so being the nice friend that I am, I did. She and her family were the only people in that town that I knew, and like I said, it was an hour away from my family and everyone that I knew, so of course, I assumed that would mean that she would hangout with me and we would still be friends. Nope. I hardly ever saw her. I ended up realizing that I was there to just be a maid and watch the pets. - Using my OCD to her advantage - which is so rude,

2. I never really heard from her unless she needed or wanted something. A few months prior to me moving there, I was sick for months and had two major surgeries. I never heard from her. She never called to check up on me, no texts, nothing. But, she did text me about her surgery that she had. 

3. She would ALWAYS ask me for favors, but if I asked for something in return, the answer would always be "no". For instance, she loved for me to fix her hair for her (dry it/straighten it) and I recall this one time when she asked me and I told her yeah, but can I borrow her apple TV to watch a movie downstairs while she was gone that night to a dinner. She told me no because she didn't feel like unplugging it. Well, I didn't really feel like doing her hair, but guess what, I did.

4. She would always keep track of the favors that she did for me and would bring them up constantly. "Well, remember when I did this for you".. uhh yeah, but I clean your house, take care of your three pets, wash, fold and put away your clothes, do your dishes, organize your shit, take out your trash, scrub your bath tub so you can take a bath AND do your hair and iron your clothes when you ask, but you never hear me list them out.

5. I felt like she kept me around to feel superior. She basically just wanted me around so she felt like she always had someone with her. I felt like she had control of my life.

6. She has never ever been supportive of me and has never been encouraging or proud of any accomplishments that I have made.

7. She never approved of any guy that I was with or liked. She always put me down and would say stuff like "you're stupid for liking him, hes a jerk" or "he doesn't like you as much as you like him"

8. Her problems were always so much worse than mine. If I had a headache, her headache was 10x worse. If I was hungry, she was way more hungry because she hadn't eaten for X amount of hours longer than I had. Stuff like that.

9. She would always pressure me into doing things that I didn't want to do. Like go shopping. I'm not a big shopper. I hate the mall, I hate crowds and I especially hate spending hours in the same exact store while she tries on a million different versions of the same exact thing and just wants me to compliment how great whatever it was made her look. If I told her I didn't want to go, she would make me feel super guilty or she would end up bribing me.

10. If I was ever sad or depressed or down, she would tell me why I shouldn't feel that way and she would immediately change the subject. She would never listen to me vent or tell me everything will be okay, would just tell me I was over reacting or being dramatic, shut me down and change the subject. Like she didn't have time to deal with my shit.

11. Nothing has ever been her fault. Always mine. If she loses something, it's my fault or I "took" it. 

12. She is completely disrespectful towards me.

13. Her family even started to use me for things, like babysitting or cleaning or whatever.

14. I never felt happy when she was around. I liked when she wasn't home. I wasn't happy living with her. She went on vacation with her mom for a whole week and that was the happiest week of my life.

15. She always made me feel bad about going to hangout with my other friends in a different town (about 30 minutes or so from her house). She would text me all weekend asking when I would be home, but when I would get home she would want nothing to do with me. She just didn't want me hanging out with anyone else, I guess because she didn't have anyone else.

16. I always felt horrible about myself around her. She was constantly flaunting money and her family around. 

17. She never had anything nice to say about any of my family or friends, but expected me to love hers.

18. She was never just "okay". She always complained about how stressed out she was. Never considering how I must feel doing everything she does plus more, plus being away from home, plus having mental illnesses, plus not having thousands of dollars handed to me whenever I wanted the way she has it.

19. Like I said before, if she misplaced something or couldn't find something, she played the blame game. Either I lost it or I took it. Then, when she would find it later, she wouldn't even apologize for wrongly accusing me of stealing something so stupid (like a brush or deodorant), instead, she would just laugh it off. Yeah, hilarious.

20. When I was living with her (an hour away from home) she would always go out to dinner, pick up food, go do fun things and I was never invited. I would sit home alone and she would expect me to wait up for her. Knowing that I had no other friends to hangout with, she would constantly be doing things and never inviting me. I thought that was the rudest thing of all.

I would seriously cry myself to sleep every single night because she made me feel like shit. Our three year friendship was not worth the pain that she caused me. Ending our toxic friendship was difficult, don't get me wrong, but once it was done and over with,I have felt more confident and happy (besides my depression and other issues I have going on right now), not nearly as bad off as I was before.

"Standing alone is better than standing with people that hurt you"

Seroquel Review

Seroquel -(Quetiapine) is an atypical antipsychotic drug used to treat schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, depression and autism. It works by helping to restore the balance of certain neurotransmitters (chemicals in your brain that helps send information to different parts of your body and brain). I however, was prescribed this medication to deal with depression and psychosis.

Beware, from my experience, in the beginning you will ALWAYS be drowsy. It doesn't matter if you take it at 6pm and sleep from then until 8am the next morning, I was still so sleepy. But, again, thats just me. 

Seroquel helps to decrease hallucinations, improves concentration, helps you think more positively about your own self, helps rid some anxiety, makes you want to participate more in every day life (once you get past the always being tired phase), improves your mood (it's a mood stabilizer, actually), sleep, and energy level. For me, I have a decreased appetite, but for some, it makes you have a bigger appetite. And this medicine also helps prevent severe mood swings/decreases how often they occur. 

( Photo Above : Taken on snapchat right as my seroquel was kicking in. Takes about 30 minutes - 1 hr for me, now, but in the beginning it would hit me pretty instantly.)

Side Effects:

Upset Stomach
Drowsiness (YES)
Tiredness (YES)
Weight Gain (YES)
Blurred Vision
Dry Mouth (YES!)
Dizziness/Lightheaded (For me, its only as the medicine is hitting me and I'm about to fall asleep) 

(Photo above was taken on snapchat: Right when I woke up the next morning)

More Serious Side Effects: 

Fever/Sore throat (I had this because of the dry mouth it causes, just drink lots of water during the day)
Increased Anxiety 
Difficulty Swallowing
Yellowing of the eyes/skin
Loss of Appetite 

My experience on Seroquel:

I was on this medication for 2 months before I decided to tell my doctor that I didn't want to take it anymore. It was a great medicine to help me sleep and it helped a lot with psychosis, but I was gaining too much weight too quickly and there was nothing I could do to get it off.